no stranger to shame~

Thursday, February 9, 2012

blog: should i quit medicine?

I've replied this at this blog

http://rumorsweretrue.wordpress.com/2006/04/19/should-i-quit-medical-school/#comment-27843

Hi, I’m a final year medical student from Malaysia. i have been in medical school for the past 6 years. I’ll be 25 years old by May this year. My final MBBS examination will be this coming March. Ive been the lower centile students since my first year. Medicine was not my calling since 6 years ago but i sucked it up in every single year and pulled through. i hit my lowest about 3 months ago. I had severe depression and anxiety disorder and was diagnosed last year to have bipolar disorder. I couldn’t even drag my self to classes. i was doing my Paediatric rotation then and i felt very much trapped to be in the ward from 8-5 not including past hours attending to patients, taking histories from one bed to another. Ive done every single rotations there is and Paediatric was my last and turning point. The consultants and my superiors were not much of a help. I have to face them every single day, they will bark at you over simple mistakes in history and such. I know that we’re dealing with patient’s health, but i don’t think such mistake need such respond and i am not saying this coming from a single person, but from most of them. There were few who were helpful, but being barked at soooo many times made you lose all the motivation to suck up and go on. My depression was very severe, i was suicidal every other day and to be alive at the end of the day was a miracle. I had few episodes of overdose with benzodiazepines and few times of admission to the psychiatric wards. I was in the state where a slightest idea or visualization of the wards and clinic will make me breakdown and started asking for benzodiazepines. Weekly consultation with psychiatrist was a must and i was and still is on 800mg of Seroquel. My parents and wife started giving me the idea to defer, taking a few months off the study. The idea of it excites me but it was short-lived. i started questioning the idea and started thinking that i will be wasting 6-7 months more of my life. Everyday was a battle to decide whether to defer or continue with my underlying condition. i started having breakdowns again and was feeling hopeless and trapped all the time. I started reading more about depressions and how to get over it from every single articles and books that can be found. i started questioning myself on what was the underlying problem to my condition, was it the consultants? was it the clinics? was it the posting itself? and finally, i t came to my realization that medicine and being a doctor is not the life i wanted. I started thinking of quitting the course and believe it, i started feeling better and slowly recovering from all the negative thoughts. By today, I’ve already submitted my letter to change my course and it is supported with a medical report from my psychiatrist. There will be and has been moments where i regretted of wasting 6 years of my life, but the sudden relief from all the burden has saved my life from my-suicidal-self.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

jatuh ke bumi

Hati dan perasaan. Kadang2 kalau berlebihan buat aku emo, aku punya emotion skrg mmg tak stable, mak bapak aku cakap aku muda lagi, tapi aku rasa umur aku sekarang ni patutnya dah boleh support family. Kesian aku tgk mak bapak aku yang dari muda bekerja untuk anak2 dia. Tak penat bekerja siang malam untuk bagi aku dan abang aku makan. Bila aku kenang pengorbanan diaorang, aku jadi sedih, sedih kepada mereka yang dah tua tetapi masih bekerja. Sedih dengan diri aku yang memang seorang yang gagal. Aku berusaha, aku cuba, bukan tak cuba, aku sendiri pun tak tahu apa puncanya jadi macam ni. Nak kata medic ni susah, mmg susah, tapi aku dah sampai final year. Patutnya aku cuba sedikit saja lagi, dah boleh ada degree nak support family. Tapi aku tak mampu, dugaan terhadap aku, aku rasa sgt besar. Nak cuba rempuh, terduduk aku menangis siang dan malam mencuba nasib. Tapi aku tak mampu. Sangat2 tak mampu. Kat mana silapnya? Sekarang ni kadang2 aku asyik rasa aku ni ‘a failure’. Aku still rasa, semakin tinggi di atas, semakin jauh jatuh tersembam di muka bumi, semakin sakit rasaya. :’( apalah nasib…..

the turning point, down or up?

tuh la, aku pun x sangka.. nasib and rezeki aku bukan dalam bidang ni rasanya.. besar sgt dugaan aku nk pass. bukan jauh dah pun, sikit je lagi, tapi Allah saja yang tahu apa yang aku dah lalui, ada time study nangis, time kat paeds nursery, tgh clerk pun boleh nangis tanpa sebab. ada hari aku tak mampu buat apa2 pun, dari pagi sampai petang, rasa hidup takde makna, sengsara lah jugak lebih dari sebulan. termenung tak kena tempat, tgk TV pun xde minat, nak kayuh pun xde smangat, jumpa member2 pun rasa susah.. tgk hospital aku rasa lemas, tgk member2 yang dah kerja, lagi lemas. semua benda aku jadi lemas, semak, depress.. semua lah.. cerita je.. suicidal boleh kata tiap2 hari.. kalau selamat sampai ke malam tidur tuh dah kira boleh bersyukur lah hidup.. dalam tido pun tak tenteram, asyik2 terjaga, palpitation tak tentu pasal, bermacam2 usaha dah buat, dari tukar ubat itu ini, masuk keluar wad, sampailah ke perubatan islam darusyifa dan sampai balik ke kedah nak berubat.. satu pun tak menjadi.. ada yang suspect aku kena gangguan, pun x berjaya.. akhir2 buat keputusan nak tangguh, lega lah sekejap.. rasa boleh rehat, tapi perasaan tuh tahan sehari je, lepas tu depress cara lain pulak, takut defer nanti rugilah, itu lah, ini lah.. last2 lagi depress.. aku try study.. ada satu malam tuh aku study dengue, baru setengah jam baca, takde masalah pun, boleh masuk, boleh faham, tapi tak semena-mena aku breakdown, aku nangis macam takde esoknya.. seksa dia, ya Allah, tak terkata..balik dari berubat kat kedah, lagi teruk jadinya.. aku breakdown kat rumah, depan mak bapak aku, suicidal depan diaorang.. itu lagi seksa.. ko tak tahan, nak breakdown, tapi tak sanggup bila mak bapak ko tgk ko merana.. overdose ubat tido takyah cakap lah, aku rasa otak aku pun dah haywire skrg ni, mcm2 aku overdose.. akhir cerita, aku n family decide, tukar lah course, walaupun dah 6 tahun, dah nak habis, tapi bila di kenang apa yang dah aku lalui, aku tak sanggup nak buat medic dah.. aku tak kisah lah nak jadi apa2 pun, janji skrg aku tenang dan aman, Alhamdulillah.. nak kata tenang sepenuhnya taklah, kadang2 ada jugak tergerak hati, terasa diri ni tak berguna, failure sbb umur dah meningkat, dah kahwin, tapi tak boleh support family sepenuhnya, bergantung dgn duit mak ayah.. tak tahu sampai bila lagi ni... skrg ni aku decide nak tukar course amik Pengurusan Hartanah kat alam bina, dekan n HOD alam bina ckp tak kisah nak terima aku.. cuma skrg tgh tunggu medical report.. risau jugak kalau tak dapat, tapi nak buat mcm mana, tawakal je lah..kalau tak dapat, aku ingat kerja part time sambil buat OUM lah jawabnye... terkenang kan nasib, sedih.. itulah, bila dah tinggi diatas, jatuhnya jauh ke bawah, lagi sakit menerima...